As parents we all want the best for our kids, be it in school, sport or life. We want them to have success, play their best, have good friends, get good grades, hit the game winning RBI, get that final strike, score a touchdown, be the fastest and the list goes on and on. Sometimes however, we want them to experience these things so badly that we get in the way of it happening.
The road to parent of the year is paved with the best intentions. Believe me, I know all about it having 5 kids and being their coach. We often think we are helping with our shouts of “Keep your elbow up,” “Bear down,” “Keep your eye on the ball,” etc. The truth is we are actually adding one more detractor, one more thing in their already cluttered mind of have to’s, need to’s and should’s that hinder their ability.
In baseball it looks something like this; your child got out the last time up and the coach is giving instruction from the dugout, first or third base. There are runners in scoring position which adds some perceivable pressure. Meanwhile, you are yelling some well intentioned coaching tip on form or mechanics from the stands. You might ask, why does this matter? Kids are pleasers and they don’t want to let you, the coach or the team down. So this only makes them more tense and nervous about the outcome, which never helps.
The result is they are now THINKING about mechanics and negative outcomes when they should be TRUSTING. Trusting in their preparation, their ability and their chances to get the job done. The plan for this pitch, that the coach was relaying, is now gone and they are only focused on “not messing up.” They are nervous, tense, and out of the moment. As a coach, this is extremely frustrating because you know what’s going on in the player’s mind and his chances of advancing the runners just went down the drain. Unless the athlete has worked on his mental game to get back on track the likelihood he will be successful in this situation is very low.
Conflicted players are not focused on the right things; as a result they either freeze or they try too hard. Both reactions lead to decreased performance. Parents – start being aware of this and realize the more you coach from the stands the more difficult you are making it for your child to succeed. I’m not saying don’t cheer, rather be supportive in a productive way. This will be a little different for each player and family.
Here are a few suggestions for you to do before, during, and after the game that will help your child play their best more consistently:
1- Before: Talk with your athlete about this topic and find out how he or she would like you to support them during and after the game.
2- During: Be positive, encouraging and enthusiastic. This will give confidence and remove pressure, stress and tension. I always liked it when my mom whistled and cheered “GOOO Seth!” Then she’d take me to get a hamburger and chocolate shake, win or lose.
3- During: Step back and let the coach “coach.” This will remove confusion caused by your coaching from the sidelines and help them focus on what the coach wants and needs. The Player should look to the dugout for his instruction, not the stands.
4- After: Based on what you discussed in number 1, make sure you give them the space/time they need to process the game. The car ride home might be quiet or you’ll talk about what else they have going on that day. They have already gotten feedback from the coach so let them chew on that. When the time is right they will come to you and you can talk about what went well and what “they” thought could have gone better. The key here is that it’s about “their take” on the game. However, if they are negative, help them focus on what they did well and build them up. You can be a big help by showing them how to form a plan to work on what didn’t go well. This will take some time to figure out so be patient. I promise it will help immensely! What sticks out most in my mind about after the game was how my mom would say “You are fun to watch!” That made me feel so good as a young player. If you do nothing else, tell them you love to watch them play!
Remember, conflicted players are filled with doubt and fear. They tend to have negative thoughts and are focused on the wrong things. While calm, focused players are confident and trust in their abilities. They are positive, mentally tough and look forward to a challenge. I hope these suggestions and insights help you help your athletes maximize their potential and their enjoyment of playing sports!
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